When Doing Everything right Still Feels Wrong: Special Episode

SPEAKER_01 0:04

What happens when you've done everything you're supposed to do? You've gotten the education, you built the career, you showed up, you worked hard, you became dependable, and you became the person people could count on. You took care of your family, you handled the responsibilities, and you pushed through the difficult seasons. You accomplished things that an earlier version of you once prayed for. And somewhere along the way, you became the woman who could handle just about anything. But now you're tired. I don't mean I need to go to bed early tonight type of tired. I'm talking about the kind of tired where you can sleep and still wake up tired. You can take the weekend off and still feel tired. You go on vacation, you turn off your email, you get the massage, you sit at the water, you order the expensive drink with the little umbrella in it, and still something doesn't feel right. And maybe you've been calling it burnout. Everyone else certainly has been. You're living in a time when burnout has become a part of our everyday vocabulary, where burnout from work, burnout from leadership, caregiving, being responsible, and from being the person who always seems to have it together. And sometimes that's exactly what it is. But I've been thinking about something else. What if you're not burnout? What if you're misaligned? Welcome back to the Road to an Effective Classroom Environment. I am your host, Dr. Lashonta, known as that Classy Sassy Consultant. And today we're going somewhere a little different. Although we talk a lot on this podcast about classrooms and leadership, educators, culture, and the environments that we create for other people, today I want to talk about the environment you've created for yourself. And more specifically, I want to talk to my high-achiev women, especially my women over 40. And oh, yes, I'm coming down your street today. Because there is something that happens when you spent decades becoming good at what you do. People know they can depend on you. You know how to make things happen. You walk into the room and you see what needs to be fixed before anyone else even realizes there's a problem. That's what we're equipped for. Women, we are built that way. You know how to lead, you know how to organize and produce and you push through. And perhaps most dangerously, you know how to make difficult things look easy. So people keep giving you more, you keep figuring out how to carry it until one day you find yourself, you find yourself asking a question that successful women don't always say out loud. Why doesn't this feel as good as I thought it would? That's a hard question. Because you're supposed to be grateful, right? You prayed for some of this, you worked for some of this, you sacrificed for some of this. There was a time when you would have given anything to have the opportunity you have now. So how dare you look at life you've worked, the life you've worked so hard to build and say something doesn't feel or fit anymore. It doesn't feel right and it doesn't fit anymore. But here's something I've been learning. You can appreciate what you have without assuming that it has to take you everywhere you're going. So let's say that one more time. You can appreciate what you have here without assuming that it has to take you everywhere you're going. And maybe that's why this conversation has been sitting so heavily with me, because we talk a lot about achievement and we celebrate the degrees, the promotion, titles, we celebrate our businesses, awards we receive, invitations, platforms, the next accomplishment. And listen, I believe in celebrating all of it. Okay, because they do matter. No, ma'am, no, sir. We're going to celebrate these accomplishments, okay? But there comes a point when you have to ask yourself a different question. Not what else can I accomplish, but does what I'm accomplishing still align with who I am becoming? And whew. Now that's a different one. That's different. Because achievement and alignment are not necessarily the same thing. You can be successful and misaligned, you can be productive and misaligned. You can be respected and misaligned, and you could be making good money and misaligned. You can be sitting in the room you prayed to enter, and suddenly you realize you've outgrown the chair. And that doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with the room. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It may simply mean you've changed. How to become a wife, a mother, a leader, how to become financially stable, how to become accomplished and respected, and how to become someone people can depend on. But no one talks nearly enough about what happens when the woman you worked so hard to become starts becoming someone else. What happens when your definition of success changes? What happens when what used to excite you doesn't excite you anymore? What happens when your tolerance for certain things starts getting real low? And listen, sometimes that's not attitude, sometimes that's clarity. What happens when peace starts becoming more attractive than proving yourself? What happens when you stop needing everyone to understand your decisions? What happens when you realize that being needed and being fulfilled are two different things? And what happens when the woman who has spent years saying, I've got it, finally asks herself, but do I still want it? That's the conversation. Because sometimes we don't recognize misalignment immediately. We just know something feels different and we start feeling restless. Things that used to be tolerable become exhausting, things that used to feel meaningful start feeling obligatory. You find yourself sitting in meetings thinking, why am I here? You look at another request coming across your email and think, now why did they send this to me? And then you and then because you're responsible, you do it anyway. Because that's what higher achievers do. We perform. Even when we're tired, we produce, even when we're questioning, we show up. Even when part of us knows something needs to change, and that's exactly why misalignment can be so difficult to recognize. Because from the outside, everything still looks successful. That's the part I want you to sit with. What happens when everything looks right but doesn't feel right anymore? What happens when you've checked the boxes, but the boxes aren't giving you the satisfaction you that once that that once did? What happens when you're not necessarily unhappy, but you know you're not fully aligned either? Maybe that's where you are right now. Maybe you've been trying to figure out why you are exhausted. Maybe you've been telling yourself you just need a vacation. Maybe you've been saying, I just need to get through this week, but then this week becomes next week, and then next month, and then before you know it, it's summer again, and then before you know it, we're in the holidays, and somehow you're always waiting for the part of your life where things finally slow down just enough for you to feel like yourself again. But here's the question I've been wrestling with what if the life you're waiting to get a break from is the very life you need to examine?

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Now, I'm going to leave that right here.

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Because I told you that this episode was going somewhere. Next month, I have the privilege of presenting at the top 100 Most Powerful Black Women's Summit. And the masterclass I'm bringing into the room is called You're Not Burned Out, You're Misaligned, while high-achieving women over 40 feel exhausted, even when they're doing everything right. And this isn't just another conversation about self-care. We're going deeper than that. Self-care is important, but this is a conversation where we're going deeper because sometimes the issue isn't whether you're taking enough time off. Sometimes the bigger question is whether the life you're returning to after the time off still reflects who you are. So we're going to talk about in that in that masterclass, we're going to talk about success, expectations, identity, purpose, pressure, and capacity. And what happens when a woman realizes that the version of success that she has been maintaining may no longer match the life she actually wants to live. And no, I'm not going to give you the whole masterclass today. Nope. That was a nice tri though. This is the teaser. You've got to come to the room for the rest of that conversation. But I will tell you this: I am becoming increasingly convinced that some high-achieving women don't need another strategy for doing more. They need permission from themselves to examine why they're doing so much in the first place. And that examination can be uncomfortable, but sometimes you discover that you're still carrying things because you're capable of carrying them. Sometimes you're still doing things that people expect you to. And sometimes you're still pursuing something because an earlier version of you wanted it. Sometimes you're maintaining a definition of success that you didn't even create. And sometimes you've simply been moving too fast to ask yourself whether any of it still fits. I'm going to leave you with a question. Actually, I'm going to leave you with three questions. And I don't want you to answer them quickly. I want you to think about them for a while, marinate on them. I want you to I want you to sit with these three questions. What am I carrying? Why am I carrying it?

SPEAKER_00 13:19

And does it still belong in the life I'm building? That last one, that's that's the one.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

That's the question. Does it still belong in the life I'm building? Not the life I built 10 years ago or 20 years ago, not the life someone else expects me to maintain, and not the life that looks impressive from the outside. The life I'm building now. Because perhaps this next season isn't about proving that you can carry more. You've already proven that. Maybe this season is about becoming more intentional about what deserves to be carried at all. And maybe, just maybe, maybe you don't need to become better at carrying everything. Maybe it's time for you to put some things down. I'll be taking this conversation much deeper at the top 100 most powerful black women summit. And I have a feeling this one is going to hit home for a few women in that room. It already has for me. It definitely has hit home and hit heavy for me. So until next time, remember clarity before capacity, purpose before pressure, alignment before achievement. You've got the keys, I've got the mic.

SPEAKER_00 14:57

Meet me on the road.